Sadie Shares

Hello Family,

It’s been about 2 months since we’ve been here in Mexico and I must say that it’s been filled with many ups and downs.  As with any place, there are things that we love (the amazing tacos, for one) and things that we… well, strongly dislike.

We live off a major street in the city so I’d like to say we’re close to the action.  So close, in fact, that we get a pretty good audio gauge of all the crime and disturbances in the city with police and ambulance sirens whirring by (seemingly) every few minutes.  It’s actually difficult to keep the windows open in our living room because the constant noise gets really annoying and uncomfortably sobering.

I shared that one of our biggest concerns with moving to Mexico City lay in questions about our collective safety.  Though we trust that God is our ultimate protector, it is often easily forgotten when we keep hearing stories that shake our peace of mind.

A couple weeks ago, Benny and Janice’s car got broken into as we were having our Sunday gathering at The Well.  One would think that your car would be safe on a quiet Sunday afternoon but it was not the case that day and as a result, the Yu family had to deal with a shattered passenger-side window and a gone-for-good iPhone.

My wife, Sadie, in the midst of all this has been trying to remain strong and confident but it’s been extremely difficult.  The dam of built-up fear and anxiety burst this past weekend when one of our well-meaning and informative friends admonished Sadie to “expect to get mugged while living in Mexico City.  It’s going to happen.” Um, OK.

Sadie shares her recent journey and I thought it was a beautifully honest reflection.  We hope it encourages you and as with any chapter of any story, keep in mind that what you read is just part of an ongoing process of learning and growing.

Halloween 2009

Sadie’s story:

I’ve always had an issue with fear.

When I was young it was the fear of losing my mom.

When I grew a little older, it was the spiritual realm and the unknown that really freaked me out…

Then it was the fear of failure or looking like a fool in front of people.

When I got married it was the fear of losing my husband.

There were so many instances where I would be paralyzed by my fear of these things.

God has been good and He’s helped me in dealing with each of those fears.  In a lot of situations, He lovingly forced me into dealing with them instead of burying them.  For that I am grateful.

Since our decision to move to Mexico City, one thing that has been plaguing me is our physical safety.  Especially that of my son, Micah.  I don’t think there is anything more horrendous than something happening to your child.  Mexico City isn’t exactly the safest city in the world.  I was told that it’s the Capital of child kidnapping in the world.  I don’t know if that is the most accurate statement, but I do know there is a real danger living here.  I hear it almost everyday from the locals and the people who have been living here for years.  I’m not used to having to be careful, especially coming from Irvine, where one of the biggest thing we had to be careful of is bad management at our apt.  It’s a big shock to all of a sudden not feel safe going to the local grocery or taking Micah to the park.

When we first arrived here, my first reaction to the fear was to try to ignore it and hide it.  It worked for a little bit, especially because there was so much going on and we were easily distracted.  But as I tried to hide it more, I gradually grew more uneasy.  I felt I couldn’t trust the people around me to know I was struggling with this because I felt like they would think I was weak or foolish.  This in turn made me feel lonelier and lonelier.

It wasn’t until last night after the Neo meeting, that God once again set a situation where I couldn’t hide my fears in front of them anymore.  I was just casually talking with a few members during dinner and we happened to start talking about safety in Mexico City.  One of the members pretty much told me that at one point, we are all going to get mugged or get in a problematic situation, so just be prepared for it.  When she said that, all the fears that I had been trying to hide resurfaced and I was no longer able to hold it in.  I had to excuse myself to avoid making a scene be crying in front of everyone, but I know a couple people caught on that I was having a difficult time.  My husband Daniel, who is the only one who really knew how I had been feeling all along, came to me and tried to comfort me, but all I could think of was wanting to go back home.  I missed my friends, my family, the beach, Target, Trader Joe’s, comfort, my apt, etc….I missed not having to worry about our safety.

I told Daniel that I wanted to leave so nobody would see me upset and we were about to, when Benny, Janice and another friend walked into the room I was in.  They saw that I was upset and I had no choice but to be honest with them and let them know what I had been struggling with.  As I was telling them, I started wondering why I had been keeping this from them.  I had been foolish and selfish not to.  I realized that I had allowed myself to believe the lies that nobody would really understand.  Of course they would understand…they’d been through the same things.  But I had been trying to fight this fight alone and I was losing.  I realized then that I needed them.  I needed them to remind me of the truth that I wasn’t seeing.  Janice told me that she thought of Psalm 91 when she saw me starting to get upset.

¹ He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

² I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”

³ Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare
and from the deadly pestilence.

⁴ He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

⁵ You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,

⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.

⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.

⁸ You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

⁹ If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-

¹⁰ then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.

¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;

¹² they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

¹³ You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

¹⁴ “Because he loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

¹⁵ He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.

¹⁶ With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”

I used to pray that God would provide a veil of protection over us.  But here, in verse 2, it says that He is my fortress of protection.  I’ve heard this term thrown around many times…but today it means something different.  He gives not only a veil of protection, but He is a fortress of protection.  And He has always been a fortress of protection to me and my family and He has never given me any reason to fear….I’ve just allowed the stories that I’ve heard or things that I’ve seen to make me believe that I was constantly in imminent danger.

It reminded me of the time we moved into our 2^nd place in Bangkok.  One of the biggest things the agent tried to sell us on is the excellent security in the building and that we would never have to fear for our safety there.  Well one week after we moved in, Christmas Eve to be exact, we came back home from a Christmas party to see a whole bunch of cop cars and news people.  We walked into the elevator to see traces of blood and the people riding in the elevator with us told us that there had been a murder in the building.  We got to our floor (there are 24 floors in this building) and as the elevator opened, we realized that the murder had been on our floor.  We saw yellow tape all over the place, distressed cops questioning different people on the floor, chaos…Later that night we found out that someone had broken into a Christmas party and ended up shooting one of the men at the party in front of his children.  As we were being told what had happened, the body bag rolled right past us because the service elevator was right in front of our door.  Seeing that body bag put me over the edge.  I’d never seen anything like that.  I know there are people who have experienced much worse…but I had never seen anything like that and I was deeply disturbed.  I questioned God.  “I thought You would keep us safe here, but look at this situation.”  I was afraid that I would once again be paralyzed by that all too familiar fear.  But as I was asking God what going on and asking Him to give me His peace, He reminded me of what had happened that night.

Earlier that day, before we went to the Christmas party, we were out and Daniel remembered that he had forgotten a gift for somebody and wanted to stop by home and pick it up.  But I told him that it’s ok and that we can get it later.  So he decided to stay.  The time that he would have gone home was the same time that the murder had happened.  If he had gone home, he most likely would have ran into the murderer and who knows what would have happened.  I realized that God had kept us safe.

“A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.”

This is the verse that this story reminds me of.  Initially when I read the verse, I thought, “Well I don’t want the people around me to go through crap while I’m okay.”  But Daniel explained the verse to me this way:  that though there is chaos going around me, God will protect me.  This verse helped me to understand that all those horror stories of other people that were paralyzing me with fear that the same thing would happen to me, didn’t have any power any more.  Even though there is chaos going on all around me, I will be protected by His fortress.  Daniel will be protected by His fortress.  Micah will be protected by His fortress.  I have no need to fear.  No need to fear at all.

I’m grateful that despite my lack of faith and faltering memories of all the times that God’s been faithful, He still tells me and reminds me that He is protecting me and my family.  I felt that I deserved to live in this fear because of my lack of faith…but God reminds me that He loves me and protects me in spite of myself.  Over and over again.  He has me go through certain painful processes to make me stronger each time.  I’m grateful that He reminds me that I am not alone.  There is an amazing community of people here who understand and won’t judge.  I’m glad that through this process God helped me to feel more at home here.

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